Friday, September 28, 2012

my God story.

I have never taken the time to write this down.. and i feel as though I should. Bear with me it may be a little jumbled. I'll do my best to make it in order and understandable.
So here goes. Such a painful thing to do, but if it can bring someone closer to the Lord, then it was worth writing it down.

My life was pretty sheltered, my parents worked alot, gave us alot and tried as hard as they could do do what they thought was right. The blame game is over. I know they did the best they knew how and I love them for that. I love them no matter what. But I had some deep scars from the past and quite honestly still am working through some little scars that are in healing!

We lived on a farm most of my life, with horses and a couple dogs and cats in the mix over the years. I still love to be outside. But I never appreciated anything. I was ungrateful. My parents had their own issues and anger, and emotionally as a girl that affected me. Then as I grew older, I started to resent my dad, maybe because I had seen some women in my life resent men as well and also talk bad about my dad. Although for most of my life, I was a daddy's girl.
Now I am completely a God Girl, but I love my daddy and forgive him and try to speak in Kindness and respect toward him. OK I'm working on it still. Our culture of dissing men and "women liberation" has also influenced me to some degree in the past unknowingly. I didn't learn how to respect a man until a year into marriage. And probably I still don't as much as I could. Sarah called her husband "Lord." I am still a little rebellious and controlling to be quite honest... But I love deeply and know my calling as a wife means to be submissive, which I am fully Joyful to try with God's great grace and mercy for me.

I think I had a sense of feeling like I deserved everything, but yet wasn't worthy of anything.
I felt like I could buy my way out of despair and pity.
I was unsure of myself and had a hard time (still do) making and keeping friends.
But The Lord was always there.
My parents had us in church when we were little and some as we grew.
i know how hard of a job being parents is now, and how many directions you seem to be pulled.

But I think I was torn after my parents divorce and felt a great loss.
I "accepted christ and prayed the sinners prayer" at a youth night one night at the church I went to daycare at when i was small. I don't know how old I was at the time.
When I accepted the lord, I didn't quite know what it meant.
I had memorized scriptures and heard bible stories all my life. But I didn't know My best friend Jesus until I was much older.

After my parents divorced when I was 7 i went to live with my mom and my brother with my dad.
I remember them asking me who I wanted to live with. I said "both of you."
Anyways, I lived with my mom until I was 15 then I could decide to move with my dad, which he told me over and over for years so I had thought about it a long while... I was looking for his acceptance and freedom from my mom as well.
I moved with my dad and changed schools.

I was awkward, shy, tall and skinny and without direction.
I wanted to be loved and accepted, just like everyone else, but I never really knew for sure I was loved.
Sought for it in many places, mostly selfish and had self-pity inward moments.
didn't know how to reach out and ask people to be there for me.
Had 3 close friends who were always there with me, but sometimes led me the wrong direction, and I was a hypocrite.
Didn't know really how to live out the life I was supposed to be living out. I prayed some, prayed for my future spouse, wrote poetry, kept to myself most of the time and just hoped everything would work out.
I still was feeling entitled, I talked back to my dad and step parents and things were pretty much a mess. I looked up to my brother, but didn't know how to get close to him to share what was going on with my life.
God was still there.
A woman named "Angel" gave me a blue bible with my name on it. She lived in the house next to ours for awhile before my dad let my grandmother move there. She took me to VBS.
I went to youth group but didn't really know how to be friends with the preppy kids my age. I always sat there quietly listening, then started feeling none of them cared about me at all, went to my grandmother's class for sunday school and enjoyed that alright.
Was anorexic to try to gain attention and love. Fought that for a long while.
Felt I should go to college because I thought that is just what I was supposed to do.
Went to school in PA for graphic design. Loved it, but missed home.
Came back, went to community college for awhile,
old habits again, met up with a friend from before that was a great influence.
Switched colleges went where she was going in asheville.
Liked it okay, started seeking the lord more.
Found a good church that showed me much clearer what my walk with the Lord was supposed to look like.
Fell in love with Jesus.
But then..
Fell back in love with myself and my own desires.
On breaks had to go home to my dad who was with another lady after another split up. It was hard for me, I was still rebellious toward him. He told me then leave. went to live with a good friend (GOD was there again) 2 in the morning drove to her house with all my stuff. The song on the radio "I'm moving out"-- god had a sense of humor for me in that moment, huh?

Loved staying with them and started doing devotions, etc.
but out of boredom and problems with my dad, found myself in the wrong situation, seeking someone to fill that place
brokenness again
someone must have been praying me through all this, but a few years later, things were starting to look better, had another friend there for me at that time as well, lived at her house over breaks
the lord showed me my worth in his eyes- won the student art show first prize
still lonely
earnestly prayed & cried to the Lord to help me and to put me in the right relationship I longed for
prayed to someday be a stay at home mom-

Now here I am. As a wife and mother, still haven't "arrived" as where I should be but The Lord has shown me his deep love and that he answers my prayers and how Great he is. He is not distant.
We are the ones who distance ourselves. He is my everything and my salvation is secure in Him.
Not in my works, but sometimes I try to prove myself. I will never measure up. But he is trying to work on me so that I know how much I am loved and how he has everything under control.

Sharing this with the world is not something I would want to do. I would rather hide under a rock than share anything about myself. But that may be what it takes to help show Christ in my life to others.
to know that you don't have to be perfect but that God wants to perfect you inside so that he can be known in all the earth.

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