Saturday, May 19, 2012

ahhh.. a moment to actually write.
Lately life has been busy with our children, fixing up the house, and just trying to survive.
Sometimes the wisdom of proverbs can really hit you where you're at.. Like how it talks about life being pretty meaningless but to enjoy the life God gave you anyway and especially while you're young before hardship and old age catch up to you.

I'm tired of living just to "survive."
I feel as though occupying my days with work, eating, sleeping, cleaning, even talking, etc. is just nothingness. You may not agree, but this is what it feels like to me in my life. I love the life God gave me, don't get me wrong.

But sometimes it just is not enough. I long for heaven. I long to be near the Lord, to see his face and be able to talk with him like I can anyone else. To sit by him. To just gaze at him and listen to what he has to tell me...

But also I know I'm not ready for that yet. two little ones to train the right way, a husband to help, others to lead to Christ. It is shameful that I have never led anyone to the Lord. My selfishness must be healed, must be GONE as much as possible so that I can do great things for him. So that I will be able to see him one day. So that I won't feel alone. Funny how that works. The more we want things for our own benefit, the more we realize we have no one who will be there for us in our journey. Because they need us to focus outward, not inwardly.

I know I need to change. I need not to worry. About anything. Goodness that is hard for me. I am full of fear. My thoughts need to be altered and yet I pray this all the time. A constant struggle. Fear of everything.

I also get tired of worrying about what food i'll eat... Like if the food is good enough. Well, if there is not much money in budget to eat certain foods, you eat what you have! I don't think Christ died for our sins so that we could eat organic (or any other type food deemed "right" in man's eyes.) food!! The bible does say...
Romans 14:17 ESV
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
That gives me HOPE and Peace. To be Free in that I need not focus on what's for dinner, but instead what is inside my body that gives me life. MY SOUL. Feeding my soul with the fellowship of the Lord. 

Isn't that enough? Shouldn't that satisfy me?! YES. To eat to please my flesh would be foolish.
My flesh would lead me away from him. Therefore as I see it, food could ultimately cause me to fall in a trap... Really! 

I want to be his hands and feet, without being afraid or tied down to rules. 
I see so much pain, anguish, lies, deceit, in this world that it makes me overwhelmed.
I cry out to him, though I know this world will soon pass away and the evil will be overcome.

I can't just shut myself away from it all and keep the light i have hidden.
That must be why it is said to let your light shine for all men. 
Matthew 5 >>
New American Standard Bible

16“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
      17“Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. 18“For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. 19“Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches othersto do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
      20“For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

But, OUCH. we must be keepers of the law he has for us as well! And teach others. AND let them see us!! Here I am, world. 

Look to him. SEEK HIM WHILE YOU CAN. he'll teach you.

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